The 10 Brunch Commandments

The 10 Brunch Commandments

1. You shall not call it breakfast

Breakfast is fuel. Brunch is the ride.

2. You shall have no plans afterward.

Brunch is not a warm-up to your to-do list. Even if you choose not to fully sink into a quicksand of frosted carbs and alcohol, we need to know that you could.

3. You shall bring at least three friends.

This is so that you can taste the requisite 10 or 12 food items. Can’t finish all your eyes desired? You can reheat breakfast food. Even eggs. Suck it up.

4. The table shall order a mixture of sweet and savory food.

The very idea of brunch came from the first time the syrup migrated over to the bacon side of the plate. Savory, salty, sweet all at once—the experience advanced us as a species.

5. Every person shall have a minimum of four drinks.

Something bubbly, something green, something caffeinated—and water, because even monsters have survival instincts.

6. You shall make fun of brunch culture while also enjoying brunch.

Sure, seeing that many selfies in one space is a tad unnerving, but you take it in stride.

7. You’re allowed to order the steel cut oats and detoxifying green juice if you so please.

Don’t let being spontaneously unloved by everyone around you or your inability to read the room stand in your way. Go for it. Do crunches in the donut shop, you fraud.

8. You shall not talk about running, biking, yoga, Pelotons, CrossFit, swimming, rock climbing, or anything else sweat-related.

Mentioning your core could get you removed from the table.

9. You can bring kids, but they gotta be cool kids. 

We expect any brunch kid to drink four or five apple juices, tell us their life story, identify a hope and dream they’re finally giving up on, and cry like the rest of us.

10. You shall call it “avocado toast” only as long as you agree it’s really just guacamole on a bigger, softer chip.

Seriously, come on.