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8 Pitches We Had To Reject: Valentine’s Edition

A graveyard for wacky press releases


Here at San Diego Magazine, we receive thousands of pitches from writers, publicists, and randoms. Below are just a few ideas we couldn’t use, mostly related to Valentine’s, or claiming to be related, or just plain funny.

1. The pitch: Humunga Lips™ has just arrived in stock, and it's already running out the door!!!
This is a dog toy. Specifically, it’s a ball with lips sticking out so you can take funny photos. They’re under $20, perfect for any dog lover, and a “hysterical pick-me-up for the economic blues!” They also make a Humunga Stache and Tongue. My question is: Does it hurt dogs when we laugh at their expense? And if dogs could laugh, just think what we do that they would find funny.
2. The pitch: A floating couples’ massage is one of the world’s most romantic spa treatments.
Climb aboard a 33-foot Venetian gondola—equipped with two professional massage beds—and cruise the Coronado Cays. The Voga Voyage, $400 per couple, sets sail from the Sea Spa at Loews Coronado Bay Resort’s private marina, and the first thing they do is apply “soothing” sunscreen all over you (I should hope so!). I am still trying to comprehend this one.
3. The pitch: Business partners at a local video production company have been married 30 years and also invented the helmet cam
They are celebrating the day they met (V-Day, natch). And did they mention they have a video co.? So their email is kinda a press release about their business, but also an announcement of their love, and also a note that Mark, pictured right, invented the helmet cam. Oh, and according to the video producers, their love inspires a hope in a lot of people. And they have a video company.
4. The pitch: Poo~Pourri is Helping Avoid Embarrassing Potty Breaks!! 
With these bathroom sprays, you are invited to “say goodbye to those toilet troubles in 2012….Simply spray the bowl before you go and no one else will ever know!” This reminds me of a 30 Rock line, in which Jenna says, “Love [means] hiding who you really are at all times…Love is wearing makeup to bed, and going downstairs to the Burger King to poop…”
5. The pitch: Itty Bitty Bra will fix your problems.
Itty Bitty, which “focuses” on bra sizes AA, A, and B “only,” makes a “Sequined Strapless Bra specifically designed with small busted women in mind.” I’m just laughing because Erin Chambers Smith came into my office and said on accident, “Did you see the sparkly bra for small [COMMA (PAUSE)], busted women?”
6. The pitch: Two TALK SHOW LEGENDS are available for interview.
Mike Cates is Phil Donawho and this other lady does Oprah. This isn’t related to Valentine’s, but isn’t it a great photo?
7. The pitch: For zany times, get Marshmallow Fun’s latest gun, the Rapid Fire.
“This no-batteries marshmallow shooter is capable of spraying 25 mini-marshmallows at one time [publicist’s emphasis]!” Sorry, we don’t cover very many products, let alone toys, let alone marshmallow-firing ones (not pictured, that’s the crossbow model). Also not related to Valentine’s. But I had to share. (Can we call in a sample for the office? Could be fun during deadline.)
8. The pitch: Cake Lingerie offers exquisite and shapely bras, panties and sleepwear sets that are anything but ugly and matronly.
Each style has a name inspired by a dessert, such as Toffee Apple, Blueberry Torte, and Apple Crumble Torte. (Pictured left is Turkish Delight.) Ya know, I have it on good authority from one pregnant lady in the office that “maternity” and “lingerie” are two words that do not belong together. I would also add that the words “cake” or “desserts” don’t belong in the mix, either.


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