Quips, Ahoy!

On this shipboard excursion through the British Virgin Islands, the author encountered natural wonders, native hospitality and . . . the son of Ron Burgundy?

By Ron Donoho

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I TAKE THE WHEEL on the sail from Anegada to Jost Van Dyke. I learn the best way to quell the aftereffects from a late night of draining Painkillers: Captain a sailboat in the Caribbean. The brain snaps quickly to attention.

Captain Ron catches two (inedible) barracudas en route. From the catamaran, Hona chefsky reels in a blue skipjack. Edible. After we moor in Jost Van Dyke’s Great Harbor, Captain Ron gives the skipjack to his friend, a chef at Foxy’s Tamarind Bar. The chef agrees to cook it for us, and we’re off to ride ATVs.

We go four-wheeling on Rally 200cc allterrain vehicles for two hours. The mountain trail seems to incline 60 degrees at some points. At the trail’s peak we’re 1,700 feet up, where we pause to gaze out at Puerto Rico on the horizon.

Afterward, our group barhops down the beach. We pass time playing a modified ringtoss game at Soggy Dollar Bar. Jost Van Dyke’s beach is also home to Ivan’s Stress Free Bar, the inspiration for countrymusic performer Kenny Chesney’s song “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problems.”

We finally get back to Foxy’s. Namesake and native islander Philicanno “Foxy” Callwood is reputedly in his 70s. He greets visitors and entertains patrons with overthe- top racy stories and jokes. Foxy never wears shoes. But he’s got soul.

Our only problem is something fishy. The chef thought we weren’t coming back. So he ate Honachefsky’s fish. An uncomfortable silence ensues. The chef then offers a plate of ribs, in the fish’s stead, to Big Nick, whose smiling face is quickly splotched with barbecue sauce.

ON THE LAST DAY, Captain Ron sets sail, heading back to Tortola. It’s 6 a.m. I’m still asleep as he’s hoisting the sail. It’s a fairly short return trip.

Tortola (“land of turtledoves”) presently has just one traffic light——one more than any other island in the BVI. Cars are driven (with reckless abandon) on the left side of the road. Two more stoplights have been proposed, though that idea is meeting with resistance.

Jimmy Buffet wrote “Cheeseburger in Paradise” with Tortola’s Cane Bay in mind. As I sit in the Nanny Cay harbor, I write in my notebook: “Last hour in paradise.” Captain Roy is cleaning the boat. He’s gathering up unopened foodstuffs——to give to local families in need, he says. Captain Roy is a prince.

The British Virgin Islands are not a perfect paradise. But there are no high-rise hotels. No fast-food chains. Few deadlines. It’s a land that time forgot. Off the grid, for sure.

Someday.

If You Go

For information on all British Virgin Islands attractions, yacht rentals and hotel properties, call the BVI Tourism Board at 284-494-3134 or go to bvitourism. com. There are approximately 1,800 hotel rooms, guesthouses and villas in the BVI, and an at-least equal (and likely greater) number of floating cabins aboard 942 charter boats.