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What Happened to Our Manners? |
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Kanye, Serena, Perez, Joe Wilson and our country's recent boorish behavior
President John F. Kennedy said, “So let us begin anew — remembering on both sides that civility is not a sign of weakness and sincerity is always subject to proof.” I have to wonder if he has been watching the behavior of three key public figures over the last week.
Celebrity trash blogger Perez Hilton, rapper Kanye West, tennis pro Serena Williams and South Carolina Republican Rep. Joe Wilson all put civility on the media map in America, each in his or her own way. Or should I say, put the lack of civility on the media map. Here are some headlines from the (shrinking) print media:
USA Today: "What Happened to Civility?" Hartford Courant: "U.S. Lacking In Civility" Houston Chronicle: "Incivility Is Heard 'Round the Nation" Washington Post: "Call It the Glenn Beck-ization of America or an Erosion of Civility" The San Diego Union-Tribune: "There's Been a Real Shortage of Civility Lately."
Bullying, name calling, threatening behavior — we don’t accept these actions in schools and it’s hard enough for parents who are paying attention to teach their children how to behave properly. But when adults, famous adults — role models — act out on the world stage, it becomes even more difficult for parents to do their job.
What is going on with our seemingly increasing inability to have a conversation with each other without screaming, vilifying, threatening and boycotting?
Apologies or no apologies, explanations and rationalizations aside, it’s just plain wrong, and many are commenting on it. If you’ve followed Facebook or Twitter as I have, you can’t help but be impressed by how many have simply expressed that they are fed up with this type of boorish, divisive, immature and out-of-control behavior. You don’t humiliate a beauty pageant contestant and call her a “dumb b*tch.”
You just don’t publicly call the President of the United States a “liar” while in a joint session of Congress. You just don’t steal someone’s shining moment at an awards ceremony and say that someone else’s achievement was better. And you don’t threaten a judge at a sporting event with profanity.
Was Samuel Johnson correct when he posited, “When once the forms of civility are violated, there remains little hope of return to kindness or decency”?
I don’t believe so and Lizzy Post, great-granddaughter of Emily Post and a senior member of the Emily Post Institute, also doesn’t think he was right. “I don’t think society is coming off the rails,” she was recently quoted as saying.
There has always been rude behavior in our midst, but it seems to me that the media’s sudden concern, the handwringing, is what’s new. When President Bush was booed loudly by the audience at the inauguration of President Barack Obama, or when Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid called Bush a “liar” and a “loser,” we didn’t see discussion of the demise of manners in America.
Perhaps a recent Wichita Falls Times Record News headline says it best: “If civility isn’t dead, it’s definitely on a respirator.”
I’m concerned about healthcare reform. But I believe we need to be equally, if not more, concerned about healing. Do we need a day of healing in America? A chance to stop, reflect on the divisiveness, the rudeness, the lack of respect we hold for each other?
When children get off course in their road to civility, parents need to redirect them to be more kind, considerate and caring of all children. We need to do the same thing for ourselves as adults. Specific civility concepts that parents can teach children are:
• Teaching children about multicultural tolerance and acceptance
• Assisting children to care about others because it brings them meaning rather than expecting anything in return
• Involving children in public service at a children’s hospital
• Instructing children to respect senior citizens by volunteering at independent living facilities
• Drawing awareness to common courtesies, such as introducing oneself, shaking hands with others and thanking people for doing kind gestures for them
• Coaching children to share and play cooperatively with others
• Working with children to learn to respect and assist those who are disabled or have learning limitations
Parents must make an effort to demonstrate through word and action what civility exemplifies. And this is where healing America comes into play. Civility is not dead in our country. We just saw examples of what happens when it rears its ugly head. No handwringing, tears, whining, bemoaning or folding up the flag yet. How about taking the seven concepts above and applying them to ourselves as adults? San Diego has a wonderful Children’s Hospital, volunteer opportunities, and charitable organizations that need our help and can help us learn to be more civil to one another.
Along the way, here are some simple tips for parents to share with their children to insure they are teaching manners and civility:
• Remember to say "please" and "thank you" for everything. Those two words are the stepping-stones of manners.
• Speak to people respectfully. Keep your tone positive and upbeat, and phrase your words so they do not come off as insulting.
• Listen to others. It's proper manners to listen to when people are speaking. Let them know with a nod of the head or other body language that you are indeed listening.
• Shake hands with people you're meeting for the first time or with whom you're just acquaintances. This shows you're friendly and respectful.
• Consider others’ feelings by being receptive of their thoughts and opinions without forcing your own upon them. Being rude to someone shows you lack manners.
• Accept others for who they are even if you don't agree with them or their decisions. Accept apologies from people who offer them; it's the polite thing to do.
Imagine that world. It is the responsibility of all of us in charge of children to make sure that the world of our children’s future is more civil than the world we leave behind. Especially the world over this past couple of weeks.
For those celebrating the Jewish High Holidays beginning Friday evening, September 18, the traditional greeting is “L’Shana Tova…” May we all look forward to a new year of health, peace, prosperity and civility.
For more than 30 years, Dr. Mantell has successfully been bringing upbeat, friendly and helpful psychological insights to individuals, families and businesses in San Diego as a clinical and corporate psychologist in private practice. He's been a regular on Good Morning America, KFMB-TV News 8, has appeared on Oprah, Larry King Live, the Today show, authored two best-selling books and speaks regularly for audiences throughout the country. He can be found on Facebook and Twitter.
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Reader Comments:
Great post Doc!
For the first time, I can agree with something that came out of Obama's mouth...he called Kanye a jackass and I couldn't agree more. Serena, Joe and Perez are members of that club too. Thanks for the New Years greeting Doc. Great article...keep 'em coming!
This is the most thoughtful blog on this topic I've read thus far. You ought to come lecture to our students at UCSD where I teach. Your blending contemporary culture, humor, psychological insights and wisdom make for a truly wonderful read. I'm going to pass this along to other faculty and see what we can do to have you come up and give a lecture to our grad students. Thanks.
Much of civility is lost due to our need for greed...We accept and honor celebrities, athletes, politicians after they have committed acts of cruelty, dishonesty, violence, etc. Why? Because of the bottom line-the almighty dollar. Most parents have to work hard, but there are those that become negligent through permissiveness, leaving others to "manage" their children.
It's time to stop rewarding and making idols out of those that make the most money. Rather, our focus should be on those who aid humanity and create civility.....And the MEDIA should come along for the ride.
byrbry
You stated that soooo WELL! ;) Your points are so easily considered "common sense" to some, but not to all!! I passed it on to my personal friends in my address book ;)I think Everyone should read this, print it out and post it on a door somewhere, like in their home, office AND dare I say..School? ;)
I LOVED It..Thank You!!! ;)
Dr. Mantell, HOMERUN...you have the gift doc...thanks for writing this and sharing your thoughts on how to bring civility back. San Diego is lucky to have you!
How totally appropriate this article is...coming from a most recent incident, the respect of others is not a concern, especially when these public figures are out and about. This early learning is not taught at home anymore and the parents of these particular individuals should be embarrassed. How dare someone shout nasty things to OUR President. Remember this man is everyone's President, not just those who voted for him. If that occured in a middle eastern country, his tongue would be cut out of his mouth. We as a society tolerate too much of this inconsiderate behavior..I know I have learned a valueable lesson this week, and on a much smaller level. People need to learn respect.
Michael, I am gonna start referring to you as Dr. Feelgood. I have been so put off for so long at the lack of impulse control I see in popular culture that I no longer can watch even the Sunday morning talking heads on the news.
I've lived for 34 years in Atlanta (part of The South) where a premium is still placed on good social manners. For example, I stand up and offer my hand when introduced to a stranger - I didn't do that growing up in New Jersey.
As far as all the yelling goes, my own view is that the first person to lose his/her temper when a conversation turns into a screamfest is that he or she has just plain run out of ideas.
Thus endeth the lesson. Keep up the good work, and Kumbayah, amigo.
This is the most sensible view on this topic yet indeed! Going to read you newest in a moment but just need to catch up on your writings. What happened to kids learning manners in school? Don't we need another Miss Manners?