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• In Rancho Santa Fe, anything under $1 million is an “older home” or “little fixer-upper with giant potential”—which translates into “generally unfit for habitation except by bands of roving animals or hearty locals outfitted from the REI catalogue.”
  
• In local parlance, most houses in the under-$1-million to $1.25-million range are “scrapers.” These structures are meant for leveling, so you can build a real house. One advertisement touted a 2,250-square-foot home for $1,195,000 on 2.46 acres as “the perfect location for your dream estate or equestrian facilities ... older guest house ready for remodel.” Some might prefer to have the older guest house ready for guests.
  
• The Rancho Santa Fe area no longer seems to be home to elegant and magnificent “Spanish haciendas,” befitting its land-grant heritage. Today, “dramatic Tuscan villas” are the rage, even though some look strangely like Spanish haciendas or, in a few cases, large Taco Bells with good landscaping (and Rottweilers in place of Chihuahuas). As an interesting design twist, many Tuscan villas feature dramatic French windows. Perhaps this is a precursor of the next marketing move to “stunning Provençal estate” (same house, different era).
  
• More than half the homes listed are elegant, majestic, magnificent, graceful, breathtaking or stunning. A few are (g), all of the above.
  
• Beware of homes touted as comfortable, charming, romantic storybook cottage, great starter home with usable lot—or as having manageable acreage, old-world character and fabulous potential. Watch for secret code words of warning, such as “use your imagination,” which means determining whether it’ll take one bulldozer or two to clear the lot. One million-dollar 1950s charmer we investigated featured single-wall construction with no insulation. We can envision a new headline: “Cuddle up this winter by the fireplace in your storybook RSF charmer!”
  
• “Perfect for entertaining” means you can hose down the entire house after a party and not worry about water or other damage.
  
• “Hidden paradise” is real-estate-speak for a fixer-upper, surrounded by big trees, on an isolated lot a mile from the main road. Or this could be a “natural beauty,” where no plants, flowers or grass will grow because of pervasive eucalyptus. “Mature landscaping” can translate into something Indiana Jones or Tarzan would need to whack through to find the property line.
  
• “Enjoy ocean breezes” means you’re within 7 miles of the coast.
  
• We would be lost without the omnipresent “gourmet kitchen.” But what if you don’t cook? Do you have to take a test to qualify for ownership?

Different real estate marketing companies employ many of the same buzz words. You can move some of the descriptors around like blank tiles in a Scrabble game. These terms include designer, sophisticated, impeccable, crafted, generous and volume.

In reviewing the wonderful array of amenities and custom-design features available in classic Tuscan villas priced from $3.5 million to $8 million (see how easy it is to write peerless advertising copy?), we find: sophisticated phone system, dumbwaiter, art spot lighting (bring your own art), walnut library (I prefer pecans), steam shower, two- and three-zone heating and air conditioning, koi pond, volume ceilings, private balconies (probably better than public balconies), exercise room complete with juice bar, fabulous outdoor loggia with fireplace, eight-car garage and, of course, the obligatory tennis court, pool and spa.

Maybe when the Lotto hits, The Native can find a taker for his comfortable, charming ranchette ready for remodel with usable acreage and mature landscaping, then move up to classic Tuscan villa or Provençal country estate, whichever is in vogue by then.

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