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How to Handle Interns (No, Mr. President, Not Literally) |
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By Ron Donoho
Another time, Intern Paul was sent on assignment to the Independent Barber College. We gave him $3 and told him to get his hair trimmed by a student. He wrote us a cutting-edge story. Then there was San Diego Magazine’s 1998 “50 People To Watch” party. One honoree was El Niño, who didn’t RSVP. So we dressed up Intern Paul in board shorts, a lightning-adorned cape and a cloud hat made of cotton wisps.
These days, Paul writes for the Press-Telegram newspaper in Long Beach. He’s out of therapy, the hair’s grown back, and he hopes to someday get a staff writer position at Hustler. Whether the internship prepared Paul for a noble career or scarred him for life, the point is this: Interns will come to your office and volunteer to work for free. No, really. We get them all the time.
I looked up the word “intern.” Actually, I had Intern Megan look it up. According to the Random House Dictionary of the English Language, intern means “to restrict to or confine within prescribed limits, as prisoners of war, enemy aliens or combat troops who take refuge in a neutral country.” After Intern Megan read this to me, I marched her back to her windowless quarters and slid a bowl of cold gruel under the locked door. No, not really. We heat our gruel.
Then I looked at a tertiary definition of the noun form of the word: “A person who works as an apprentice or trainee to gain practical experience.” Oh, that made more sense. Then I had an epiphany.
I immediately took Intern Megan to lunch. I praised her work on creating an alphabetical and chronological database from business cards I’d collected at wine-and-cheese press events. I discovered she was a Rhodes scholar at Vassar. That she’d won the National Spelling Bee at age 12. And was up for a Pulitzer Prize—for a paper she’d written while auditing a class at the Columbia School of Journalism. Not bad, huh? After lunch, I told her not to worry, I’d pick up my own dry cleaning.
I’ve since vowed to treat interns more like apprentices than prisoners of war. You can, too! Just follow these simple dos and don’ts:
Do be fair in choosing who will intern at your company.
Don’t hire pizza-loving interns named Monica who thrive on thong underwear and have friends named Linda who’re, like, into wiretapping.
Do acknowledge young interns may be in an intimidating, unfamiliar setting.
Don’t tell them, “All the interns wear jockey-shorts hats the first week.”
Do treat interns with professional courtesy.
Don’t ask them to “pull your finger” or to help wax the hair off your back.
Do ask how their college classes at UCSD are going.
Don’t go on about how a “real” school has a football team.
Do show them where to find the mailroom, the supply closet and the bathroom.
Don’t hang signs on the supply closet and mailroom that read Men and Women.
Do offer praise and constructive criticism.
Don’t threaten to open a can of “Whup Ass” if they accidentally bring you a decaf cappuccino.
Do reward their unpaid work (financially or with indigenous perks) whenever possible.
Don’t teach them to play Liar’s Poker and “forget” to mention most of the rules.
Do invite them to important staff meetings.
Don’t invite them to your Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
Do give guidance as they consider their future careers.
Don’t mention that McDonald’s will hire just about anyone.
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