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Do you understand your teen’s texting?
DR. SAN DIEGO
Do you have any idea what “J2LYK” means? How about, “TDTM?” Or what about “CD9,” “MOS,” “PIR,” “PAW,” “KPC?”
Put your seatbelts on, moms and dads.
Just 2 let you know (J2LYK), these are acronyms your teenagers text to each other — many, many times each day. From talk dirty to me (TDTM), to parents are around (a secret code, CD9), mom over shoulder (MOS), parents in room (PIR), parents are watching (PAW), and keeping parents clueless (KPC), your young teens right here in San Diego are texting an average of 1750 messages a month.
And that may not even include “sexting” — the practice of sending nude pictures via text messages, something in which roughly 20 percent of teens admit to participating, according to a nationwide survey. (It’s a serious felony, by the way.) But back to good ’ol-fashioned texting: From Hilltop High to La Jolla Country Day, Grossmont High and Mt. Carmel High, there’s no school in San Diego that doesn’t give shelter to nonstop texters.
It’s an epidemic — the ultimate “chat and mouse game,” and a budget-buster for many families. Next to checking the time, texting is the second most frequent use of cell phones for teens. What’s a parent to do with this silent, secretive communication?
Simply said, learn to understand it.
Teens have always wanted to have their own funky way of expressing themselves, so texting is just another extension of their individuality and the evolution of the English language. Teen years are often about drawing lines to separate from parents and define social circles. From Pig Latin to hand signs, strange hair fashions, tattoos or unusual clothing, kids have been creating their own identities and languages since there were kids. It makes teens feel empowered, like they are in the know with a secret code in a secret society. But while kids might feel empowered, parents often feel like they're losing control over what their children are talking about — and to whom.
The history of English is divided into three periods: usually called Old English (or Anglo-Saxon), Middle English and Modern English. There is now a fourth, more unofficial period: the period of texting!
Today, parents are horning in on their teenagers' lives through text messaging. Parents frequently follow children into technology, setting up pages on social-networking sites, for example, in a bid to become their “friends” — or just to snoop.
In an age when it's difficult for parents to catch up with busy teens, texting can be a great way for parents who know texting language to get fast answers. Teens can easily text their parents in a discreet brief conversation while they are spending time with friends — avoiding the embarrassment for some kids of having a verbal conversation.
What if there’s too much “AITR,” “GNOC,” LMIRL,” or “IWSN”? Wait, what if you don’t even know what these mean? Adult in the room, get naked on cam, let’s meet in real life, and I want sex now, J2LYK.
If there’s way too much texting, try these ideas: Turn the cell phone off and take it out of bedroom after a reasonable time. Go through the bill and see how much you are spending for this addiction. You can always block text messaging. Ask other parents to help out. Above all, talk with your kids about your understanding their need for this frequently innocent language and the concerns you have if it goes beyond innocent.
Try NoSlang.com and Teenchatdecoder.com for their text dictionaries. It won’t make your teen happy. In a recent survey asking, “Should parents read their teens’ text messages?” more than half of parents answered “yes,” while another 43 percent answered “yes — if the teen has given reason not to be trusted.” Only 5 percent said “no.”
It’s happening right here in San Diego, on every middle school and high school campus. Don’t fight it. Become educated, communicate with your teens and before you know it, you’ll understand their newest lingo. Hurry, I’m sure another form of individuating and emancipating is on the way.
As for me, I’ll BRB.
For more than 30 years, Dr. Mantell has successfully been bringing upbeat, friendly and helpful psychological insights to individuals, families and businesses in San Diego as a clinical and corporate psychologist in private practice. He's been a regular on Good Morning America, KFMB-TV News 8, has appeared on Oprah, Larry King Live, the Today show, authored two best-selling books and speaks regularly for audiences throughout the country.
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Reader Comments:
Wonderful blog this week, and as always, very interesting. We are parents of three kids, 21, 17, 13 years old -- imagine this, all girls. Our dining room table, homework times, trips to restaurants, in fact our entire lives, are filled with non-stop texting. The 21 year old is away at college, but we can only imagine. 1750 texts per month? You ought to count our kids' text messages each day! The way their fingers fly over their cellphones, we could be talking 1750 a day!
We just finished reading you, and discussed your material with our 13 year old. She gave up some more to add to your list that she and her friends use -- so sweet of her, right?
BSTD...Busted
DBS...Dad behind shoulder
IPN...I'm posting naked (she said this one is for sexting)
P911...Parent alert
TOD...Truth or dare (another sexting one)
HORU...How old are you?
We're on the way to opening communication with our kids about texting, so ABTY (a big thank you).
Hey Dr. Mantell San Diego, our kids have been MAJOR text violators to the tune of hundreds of our hard earned dollars each month...
NOW we get it.
And, unfortunately for them, NOW they won't any longer be on a text free-for-all.
Thanks, as always, for your wise help. We are going to much more closely monitor the number of texts they send, and armed with some of your ideas, become much better at dialing into their vocabulary.
We laughed thinking back to the ways we kept our parents out of our business when we were teens, but with this texting technology, cell phones, IMing, computers, etc., it doesn't even come close. You just made us smarter parents.
Another useful and entertaining tidbit from s.d.'s favorite shrink...
Dr. M.-- I thought I'd write and let you know that it's AAP (always a pleasure) to read your columns and blogs, but this touched home. I spent a bloody fortune on my kid's texting last month but now I get what it's all about. Still not gonna keep paying for all of his texting, put him on a plan and he'll stick with it. I understand the need for shorthand, feeling unique and all that, but I agree with the majority of the parents in the survey you quoted and will definitely be spot checking those text messages!
Dr. M., you've really got your finger on the pulse with your texting blog. AFAIC (as far as I'm concerned), my kids are now going to be much more closely monitored...If I ever see an MOS, it's OTB (off to bed) with NO cell phone for her. She now has this rule...I get to spot check what she writes, and she's on a text budget each month. When she responded, "OMGYG2BK" I knew exactly what she said -- thank you, thank you, thank you!!! My 14 year old Brittany is not quite smiling over this, but my husband and I sure are.
I remember in my adolescence, pre-cellphones, when the girls in my high school had a 'secret' way of speaking aloud to one another (same idea as pig-Latin). They would insert the nonsense expression "uhthg" into each syllable of a spoken word. It was sounded as two syllables: uh-thg
Door was "du-thugoor".
Doctor became "du-thugoc-tu-thugor".
He is so cute translated to "Hu-tghe uh-thgis su-thgo cuh-thgute". If you think reading it here it tough, imagine listening to it.
It worked really well because they spoke it so fast and so well It was as if they had invented their own language (which they sort-of did).
None of them would ever "reveal" this code to any of us guys so we were in the dark (or should I say 'du-thgark") until one afternoon, when I wasn't even trying to figure it out I simply began to understand. Code breakers call this "pattern-recognition". And, I decided to just keep my new-found knowledge to myself. Surprising what people will say right in front of you if they don't think you understand what they're saying.
The good news was that I learned which girls to ask out. It was, as they might say, a 'pu-thgiece uthgof cu-thgake".
Hey doc, I'm enjoying your take on what's going on in the heads of San Diegans...from Tom's column to your blog, this website is rockin'...thanks for pointing out some important insights into contemporary life!
A fan.
It sure was interesting what TDTM and the rest mean. It's amazing that kids can memorize the meanings of the acronyms for texting yet can't memorize facts for a test. It's the old what you like to do, you do well and if you don't enjoy it, oh well. YOur comments about life are right on target and we look forward to reading them each week. S
I am a 13 year old girl and I have been reading these sites all over the internet about sexting and text lingo parents should know. Just a newsflash, many teens, actually mostly all of them, do not use these. Any teens reading this are probably learning new phrases. And this whole thing with the sexting, if you stop publicizing every little detail, maybe teens wouldn't still be doing it. I know that as a teen if somebody makes a big deal out of something it is just opening a door for that something to happen a lot more. And also, parents reading kids text messages is WRONG. I don't care if you suspect something it is still wrong. If you would just sit us down and talk to us maybe we wouldn't have these over-rated "catastrophes" happening everyday.
To the 13 year old girl: You go girl. I am a 51 year old mother of a teen daughter. I have not had to worry about what she is texting because we have always had an open relationship and she just comes in and tells me. She is always reading me the IMs she gets and some of her emails as well. She is the one who told me what so many of the acronyms mean. She tells me when one of her friends is using sexting messages and asks what she should do about it. My daughter is very outspoken and will not hesitate to tell another teen that what they are texting is not exciting, it is stupid. So to the rest of the parents out there: take her advice and TALK WITH your kids. You may find that you won't have to sneak around to find out what they are doing, they will just tell you.