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Cold Calling |
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By Ron Donoho
The music’s not the point, though. Nobody should have to listen to two full songs while on hold. Especially when calling the Suicide Hotline. No, I wasn’t thinking of killing myself. I just wanted to see if the rumor I’d heard about Ken Starr working there was true. I never got an answer. I hung up after the opening strains of an oboe-and-flute rendition of Van Halen’s “Jump.”
So now I’m on the phone again. New call. A woman answers. Before I can speak, she says, “Thank you for calling; can you hold.” (Notice the absence of a question mark.) I think when she comes back on the line, I’m going to say,
“This is the fire department. Your office building is burning. We could have gotten you out a minute ago. But now you’re going to die a slow, torturous, asphyxiating death. Have a nice day.” That’s what I may say. But I’m still waiting. And listening to a radio ad for a new hemorrhoid cream.
The phone is such a vital part of our lives, it’s surprising so many people you talk to these days seem to be doing an impersonation of that “Hey Vern” guy. What happened to common sense? What happened to etiquette? What happened to that friggin’ receptionist?
While we wait, feel free to glance through this list of dos and don’ts, compiled from years of working the phones.
Do answer the phone after finishing coughing, eating, laughing, breast-feeding or committing adultery with any interns lying about.
Don’t put a caller on hold before they can respond to you. You never know if it’s the Coast Guard, calling to warn of an impending tsunami.
Do select on-hold music that might appeal to a caller. Most everybody seems to like songs by Elton John and Frank Sinatra. Don’t be fooled by the apparent popularity of Michael Bolton and Celine Dion. Transmitted over phone lines, their voices can permanently damage the cochlea of the inner ear.
Don’t play talk radio for on-hold callers. Many of your clients probably don’t want to hear Howard Stern ruminate on how many words rhyme with “penis.”
Do transfer calls with efficiency. Why is it 99.3 percent of all transfer attempts are prefaced by “If this doesn’t go through...”?
Don’t make callers select from an endless menu of voice-mail choices. Example: “Press 1 if you’re calling from a touch-tone phone. Press 2 if you’re calling from a rotary phone. Press 3 if you’re calling from a rotary phone and are too cheap to buy a touch-tone phone. Press 4 if you’re a member of the Rotary Club. Press 5 if you rotate your tires...
Do return phone calls promptly. It may be wonderful to get a promotion, have a baby or pass the bar exam—but those items shouldn’t become old news in between return calls.
Don’t set a ridiculously short time limit for voice-mail messages. If I’m calling you long distance with directions to the out-of-county courthouse for our cousin’s paternity hearing, I don’t want to have to call back three times.
Do limit yourself when leaving a message. Don’t read me the entire bleeping transcript from your appearance on The Jerry Springer Show.
Thanks. I’m hanging up now.
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