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What Sex in Our City?

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Plus: 7 tips to reignite passion in the bedroom

Stand-up comedian Phyllis Diller once joked about her sex life: “A terrible thing happened to me last night again — nothing.” According to recent surveys on the sexiest cities in America, many San Diegans might have the same complaint.

The old quip may be true that women need a reason to have sex and men just need a place. But unfortunately, according to Billy Crystal, that place is more likely to be Denver, Portland, Ann Arbor, San Antonio, Boise (Boise?), Seattle, Washington, D.C., Alexandria, Salt Lake City, Cincinnati or Cambridge than a laid-back city filled with beach bodies: sunny San Diego.

In fact, Men’s Health magazine ranks our city as 51 out of 100 in its “Sex in the Cities” list. When it comes to condom sales, we rank 58. And when it comes to birth rate, we rank 47. How can this be?

National surveys can actually determine which American cities are the most and least sexually active, which are “copulation capitals” or which are simply hotbeds for lovemaking. San Diego is not in the top 10 of any major study I’ve found.

The survey conducted by Men’s Health used Census Bureau birth rates, A.C. Nielsen (a data-collecting company) findings on contraceptive sales, statewide birth and fertility rates from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Amazon.com city-by-city sales of sex books and sales from several nationwide erotica outlets. The F Street bookstores are probably not included.

While San Francisco, Oakland, Fort Lauderdale, Mobile and Clearwater are among the most “promiscuous cities in America” according to online dating site mingle2.com, based on average number of people its residents have had sex with (13, 13, 12, 12, 12), San Diego’s residents are left unnoticed.

As contemporary society has become “pornified” with overt sexual behavior in the media (especially on the Internet), San Diego — with all of our tan and toned bodies — has somehow missed the cut as one of the sexiest cities in America.

Now of course, we do have quite the sexy adult playground. Take the Ivy Hotel, which some think of as Playboy Mansion South. Others simply refer to it as a recipe for infidelity.

And some good dating ground too. Del Mar Plaza offers beautiful ocean views, there are La Jolla’s late night drives up Mt. Soledad, Hillcrest’s thriving diverse community, Pacific Beach’s JRDN sunset dinners on the beach, and many new rooftop bars downtown.

But apparently the infamous Ivy Hotel, a slew of romantic locations and Blacks Beach — favored by 44 percent of voters as San Diego County’s favorite nude beach — aren’t enough to put us in the running for America’s sexiest city.

Instead, we are America’s Finest City. Perhaps our quiet, conservative, military-base image is hurting our sexiness.

But even though San Diego may not be nationally ranked as one of the most sexually active or promiscuous cities (the latter is probably a good thing), that doesn’t mean we aren’t keeping busy.

“Sex appeal,” Sophia Lauren once said, “is 50 percent what you’ve got and 50 percent what people think you’ve got.” We in San Diego know what we have.

But for some, it’s just not enough. So here are seven surefire tips I suggest to my patients who are no longer having sex, find sex boring or are growing distant from their lovers:
1. Reveal your fantasies
2. Keep eye contact
3. Be spontaneous
4. Leave criticism out of the bedroom
5. Don’t hesitate to ask
6. Innovate
7. Don’t make comparisons

For more than 30 years, Dr. Mantell has successfully been bringing upbeat, friendly and helpful psychological insights to individuals, families and businesses in San Diego as a clinical and corporate psychologist in private practice. He's been a regular on Good Morning America, KFMB-TV News 8, has appeared on Oprah, Larry King Live, the Today show, authored two best-selling books and speaks regularly for audiences throughout the country.

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