The Native Goes Yoga

(the Variations)

By Tom Gable

Not wanting to be mistaken for the Michelin Man at the beach, I was looking for fitness regimens outside the boring gym routine. The family physician and some trendy friends suggested yoga—which was on my list of options right after napping and vibrating electronic cummerbunds. I understood yoga to be practiced by lithe granola-and-sprout eaters. It was hard to imagine a Pillsbury Doughboy mesomorph meditating on a sticky mat surrounded by a gaggle of Roadrunner ectomorphs.

Extensive Web research showed yoga to be more than meditating. It has many versions—with different spiritual and physical philosophies, using poses and breathing exercises developed over the centuries. The versions range from mellow to cranking up the heat to 103 in the spiritual version of a Florida summer. The Web sites touted impressive benefits: reduce the hardening of arteries, improve self-esteem and help with asthma, obsessive-compulsive disorder, PMS, stress, insomnia and SAT scores.

Then good marketing grabbed me—a class called Yoga for Golf and Tennis. Imagine, meditating away your hummingbird-like heart rate over a money-winning putt. Being pure with your second serve or long-iron shot over water.

Thus enlightened, I enrolled. The yogi told us not to compare one’s achievements with anyone else’s; there will always be someone with more flexibility, more strength and better hair. The class included 10 women and three men, ranging from the female college athlete who did two classes back-to-back (before her gym routine and after a 5-mile run) to the male in his 60s who needed a sports bra and got winded tying his shoes. We were told to follow the breath inside our bodies. In some cases, we hoped a neighbor would follow his breath out the door.

Ostensibly, all one needs to participate is loose-fitting clothing and a sticky mat (manufactured that way). However, most males—and a few females—need various tools to assist in leveraging reluctant joints into better poses: a strap to wrap around your feet if you can’t reach them unaided, blankets to roll up and put under your “sit bones” to improve poor posture, foam bricks for support in different twisting poses.

The poses were obviously invented by malnourished contortionists who lived in crowded apartments with 12 siblings and needed to conserve space while sleeping. Studies have shown that five yogis can sleep comfortably on a single bed without touching their neighbors or hanging over the edges. Our instructor could fold up and rest comfortably in a dresser drawer.

In Sanskrit, poses are called “sana,” such as Tadasana (mountain pose) and the ever-popular Ardha Matsendrasana (spinal twist). We tried a variation: Bend over at the waist, drop your left shoulder toward your right knee, put your right hand behind your back and wrap it around your left thigh, then “breathe into the pose” by relaxing when you inhale and twisting more when you exhale, achieving the desired Hernia-sana pose (do not try this at home).

Poses are categorized as abdominal, bending, inverted, supine, prone, relaxing, sitting and kneeling, standing and twists, with some combinations that defy description, most involving twisting into ganglia-like balls. Every pose has a counterpose. Stretch one way, then the other in semi-unison. “Be the observer” of your inner essence, we were told, so we could feel opposite muscles be equally happy in their achievements.

Instructors have one pose students could never emulate: maintaining a serene and positive demeanor while chortling internally at the actions and outfits in the room (Hilarity-sana). Those not achieving this elevated state observe:

* 150 pounds of adipose tissue can be stuffed into a 100-pound bag (Lycra exercise togs).
* Half the population have bad feet.
* Almost all women can touch their toes; 90 percent of men have “hamstring issues” (in yoga-speak, “issues” means the person has achieved the state of Arthriti-sana).
* All participants need to maintain good dental hygiene (Gingi-sana) so group breathing in a closed room doesn’t cause the counterpose (Halitosi-sana).
* Eating Mexican food or other spicy cuisine up to 24 hours before a class results in Flatu-sana.
* Toenail polish now comes in colors used on Coast Guard rescue planes.

After a year of classes, I have achieved certain levels of competence, such as not falling over during the balancing exercises. My handicap has gone up, and I’m still 6 inches from touching my toes (improved from 12). But I have learned the pleasures of escaping briefly from the today’s world with common noise levels equal to Beer Night on the midway at the Del Mar Fair.

And I recently perfected the most difficult pose (in the words of one instructor): Don’t just do something, sit there.

	50 People to Watch Party 2012 This year's event held at the Saltbox at the Hotel Palomar on January 20 honoring San Diego's best and brightest.

	47th annual Presentation Tea Photos of the 47th annual Presentation Tea at a private estate in Rancho Santa Fe

	Air Supply: Filling Lungs with Love Photos of an event to raise money for Sharlie Kaltenbach at a private estate in Olivenhain

	Super Stars... Let it Shine! Photos from an evening to raise money for the Boys & Girls Club of Carlsbad held at La Costa Resort