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Parking in South Mission Beach: Don’t worry about the red zones in alleys. Many were painted by locals to reserve spots in front of their own bungalows. And should the police inadvertently mistake the faux zone for a real one and give you a ticket, simply write on it “Returning unpaid—visitor from Texas” (or Arizona, Nevada, Mexico, et cetera) and mail back to the city treasurer. Ignore any subsequent message, such as notice of penalties or a summons.
Fishing for Grunion: This is true. If someone invites you to go fishing at the beach in the middle of the night with a gunny sack and flashlight looking for finger-thin, 6-inch, smelt-like fish arriving just after the highest of tides and screwing themselves tail-first into the sand, go for it. It’s a grunion run, a favorite excuse for a variety of pre-spawning and spawning rituals along the beach and in the water—some by the fish. To become one with the fish, give yourself a light coating of canola oil to disguise your natural scent and jump right in. A fishing license is required if you want to catch the fish, which can be eaten. The grunion land on San Diego beaches 11 times from June 26 through July 28. Check www.dfg.ca.gov/mrd/gruschd.html for more details and recipes.
Communicating in Tijuana: Texans have mastered the technique, even on this side of the border and into Canada. Talk slowly and very loudly. Mix in a few words of Spanish (dinero, que pasa, Cinco de Mayo, buenos días, Margarita) to show your savoir-faire and sensitivity to Hispanic culture.
Fun Things with Jellyfish: Don’t let jellyfish scare you! They are more than 95 percent water and, like many politicians, have no heart, bones or brains. Vegetarians and others with eclectic tastes consider jellyfish a nutritious, low-fat delicacy after they have been dried and desalted. Those accustomed to more traditional fare liken the flavor to sucking on a swim fin. Beachgoers without Frisbees or Nerf footballs can always improvise a game of tag with jellyfish parts. With practice, this can improve your reflexes and reaction time, since jellyfish have stinging cells with tiny harpoons that shoot into their prey and release a toxin. (On a positive note, scientists are determining if attaching jellyfish to the forehead could replace Botox as a low-cost alternative for removing wrinkles.)
Essentials for the Over-the-Line Tournament: This annual bacchanalian sunfest and sporting event in the sand takes place July 13, 14, 20 and 21 on Fiesta Island on Mission Bay. You don’t have to understand the rules of the official sport or even watch any of it to participate in the bigger event: observing other people in various stages of dress, undress, posturing, flexing, preening and creative attention-getting ploys (man with pet iguana on a leash; man with puppy in a baby carriage; man with macaw on shoulder; women without much of anything on). For nonlocals in need of protection from the environs and environment, wear big hats, long-sleeve shirts and long pants, white socks and heavy black shoes. Carry cell phones to connect with each other should Dad somehow get lost in the crowd watching the open division women’s competition (or Mom the men’s) or doing tequila shooters with some of the friendly and encourag-ing celebrants. Write your next-of-kin phone number in magic marker on your forearm should you be lured off the island to nearby wilderness areas after dark (old Mission Beach, Ocean Beach, Tijuana). For rules and background, visit www.ombac.org/over_the_line/.
Dressing Up (or Down) for the Del Mar Fair: Start weeks early with a shopping excursion to your favorite swap meet. The male essentials: baseball cap with fake ponytail or mullet, Raiders T-shirt and chain to attach your wallet to your belt loop. The female essentials: a size 6 spandex top (one size fits all), jeans you last fit into five years ago, spiked heels and hair like Jane Fonda’s in Barbarella. For variety and securing bigger prizes from the carnies running the games on the Midway, switch ensembles.
Warming Up to Borrego: Looking for a cure for the coastal fog blues, June gloom and cool nights at the beach even in July? Heat and sun worshippers take a leisurely two-hour drive over the hills to Borrego Springs, where they find a lively 48 degrees Celsius during the day and 35 at night. Sports including slow-motion golf at dawn, rolling in and out of the pool every two minutes, reapplying 45 SPF sunscreen lotion hourly, napping, ingesting five times your average daily allowance of salted snack items and rehydrating throughout the day and night with a variety of liquids.
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