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By Tom Gable
Common courtesy has gone the way of open space in Mission Valley. The new attitude is exemplified daily in a simple two-word phrase used by most under 30: “No problem.”
In the old days (just two or three years ago), when you would say “thank you” for something, such as good service at a sales counter, the clerk would smile and respond cheerily, “You’re welcome!” Or “Pleased to be of service.”
Now we are into problems and impositions. This may be the doing of Generation Xers, who assume the world owes them something more than the opportunity to succeed on their own merits and who get contentious when anyone intrudes upon their space with something as simple as a random “hello,” “thanks” or a request for services. “No problem,” they respond, in a tone that sounds as if you’ve asked them to clean the urinals in the Greyhound bus depot.
The boomer generation had its equivalent—perfected at encounter groups in the 1980s—when people were encouraged to talk about anything and everything. Rather than react negatively or angrily to any absurdity, the facilitator would say, “Thank you for sharing,” which was actually secret code for one bad four-letter word followed by a three-letter personal pronoun.
“Problem” has its proper uses, such as “Houston, we have a problem.” The phrase “no problem” can have a limited place in society. In hopes of providing some guidance, The Native has compiled a few examples of acceptable and unacceptable usage:
Acceptable Usage
* When you’ve entrusted your tresses to a new hairdresser the day before the Jewel Ball, and the ultra-teased result looks like Hooker Barbie. “No problem. Maybe we can make it more Texas bouffant,” he says with his faux French accent, mashing down the sides with both hands. “You will be all the rage.”
* When you ask the auto mechanic at Guido’s Gas Oasis & Registered Regional Monument 33 miles outside of Moab in the Utah desert if he can fix the cracked block on your 1988 Range Rover, and you get: “Might take a few weeks to get the parts from Surrey, but no problema.”
* After you’ve pointed out your gala La Jolla summer lawn soirée is supposed to start in 30 minutes and the caterer’s crew is still unloading chairs, tables and bags of microwavable hors d’oeuvres from the rented van from Two Guys Might Be Able To Move You, and the caterer calmly responds, “Madame, for such a small event, tres facile. Of course, guests for such an event usually arrive late, if at all.”
* When you wheel into the emergency room with your aunt Minnie from Dubuque, who fell asleep for six hours in the sun by the pool in yourbackyard wearing only a thong, and the ER tech says, “We’ll just coat her with Vaseline and put her in the cryogenic chamber with intravenous nourishment for four days until she heals.”
Unacceptable Usage
* When you ask any waiter, waitress or salesclerk to simply do their prescribed job, such as bring you a coffee refill or sell you a new frock, “No problem” is unacceptable. (Preferred response: “Sure, pleased to help.”)
* When the Marine recruit answers the order from his drill instructor to drop to the ground and “give me 50” pushups.
* When the fire-department dispatcher is told a brush fire is raging up the hillside on Mount Helix and is asked if he could please send a truck or two before it reaches 38 homes.
* When any teenager rises at the crack of noon and is asked to remove the ankle-deep sea of denim, cotton and corduroy from his or her bedroom in hopes of finding the floor and the missing family cat.
* When responding to the heartfelt thanks of the family after you’ve donated bone marrow to their 6-year-old daughter in a transplant operation lasting eight hours and covered by medical media from around the world.
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