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Flirting Tips for Valentine's Day |
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It’s Valentine’s Day ... go ahead and flirt!
Flirting, it’s been said, is the art of keeping intimacy at a safe distance. With Valentine’s Day a week away, San Diego, like most cities, will be filled with parties, events and celebrations aimed at creating and promoting romance. From coast to coast, from neighborhood bar to hotel bar, from the Gaslamp Quarter to La Jolla and points north, more than flowers, candy, champagne and wine, one thing is for sure — there’s going to be lots of flirting going on!
Whether you are headed for a balloon ride, a romantic boat rental, a moonlight stroll at the beach, a limo date or just bar-hopping, if you aren’t an A+ in the flirting department, you are headed for frustration. And if you are shy on top of suffering with FDS (flirting deficiency syndrome), well, Valentine’s Day partying may be something you dread altogether.
So there you are in your favorite club, hoping this will be the very last time you are single on Valentine’s Day. You and your friends look hot, sexy and ready for a terrific night except for that horrible feeling inside, the one you’ve had since junior high. Insecurity, anxiety and shyness all at once overcome you. You aren’t exactly alone. The latest government epidemiological data show social anxiety affects more than 7 percent of the population at any given time. Social anxiety is the fear and anxiety of being judged and evaluated by other people.
Want to overcome shyness?
You’ve got to challenge, dispute and question some real irrational, erroneous and inaccurate distortions in your thinking. For example, maybe you are an “all or nothing” thinker, believing “I won’t fit in at all.” Or maybe your distortion is to discount any positive, believing “He only smiled at me to be polite.” Or perhaps you “mental filter,” remembering only the person who didn’t acknowledge your hello as opposed to remembering the dozens of people who did respond kindly. These and other distortions surely will hamper the good time you could be having on Valentine’s Day.
Scope out the scene a few days before you go out, in order to get used to it, know where the bathrooms are, the menus, prices, etc.
Practice smiling and making eye contact in order to verbally connect with people.
Take an oath this week before Valentine’s Day to chat with one new person each day.
Act “as if” you are not shy and see how you relate to others, continually reminding yourself that you are safe, and free of judgment. Don’t invent mind-reading scenarios in your mind and if you do, challenge them. What evidence do you have that others are thinking this or that about you?
Think of the absolute worst case you can create in your mind and realize that it probably won’t happen and if anything close to it does happen, think of the reality of how you will most certainly recover. Get rid of the notion that you must be accepted, loved and approved of by everyone with whom you flirt with on Valentine’s Day.
Shift your focus from your own imagined cataclysms and fears and think about the other person with whom you are flirting.
If it’s flirting skills you lack, try these flirting 101 tips:
Be sure you are giving clear signals, and know what you want — and don’t want — when you do flirt. Then go for it!
Sure guys want you to like their friends, but weeks and months from now. On Valentine’s night, avoid talking with other guys if you want to flirt with one particular guy who you are interested in. Don't stay in a group. No man can bear a rejection in front of a herd.
Stop complaining. Sure we all have lots to “kvetch” about, but save it for your friends, not for flirting. Otherwise, he’ll be looking for the nearest exit. Be positive. People like to be with people who are cheerful and has a positive mindset. Feel good about yourself and everyone, and they will feel good about you.
You know your eccentricities, he doesn’t yet. Keep it that way while flirting away the night. It may be cute and funny to you but he’ll think you are crazy if you bring your drama with you. This goes for your voice check too, which ought to sound warm and sweet, not the drill sergeant you are with your roommate.
Yup, make the first move. Enough said. What guy doesn’t like that? It shows you are confident. If he doesn’t like it, he’s not. The eyes can be your most effective tool for flirting. It's possible to make a guy's heart skip a beat by giving him a playful, lusty, or lingering stare. If you're walking by someone you've got the hots for, give him a 2- 3-second stare that says, “go ahead and make your move” and then slowly glance away (slow is important). Smile just as you start to look away. He'll get the message.
Playful fighting and cute flirting are not the same things. Park the hitting, argumentativeness, sarcasm at the front door. It’s not cute, it’s not funny and it’s not flirting.
By sensuously touching yourself (hair, lips, bottom of neck/upper chest, etc.) or playfully grazing him with light touches on his shoulder, chest, or arm, you can drive home the point that you're interested.
Always give the guy something to talk about. Guys love the thrill of chasing what they think they can’t have. So let him wonder what you’re up to sometimes. Treat the amount of time you give him like cell phone minutes: Use sparingly at first and he’ll want more, more, more!
Leave discussion of your future with this poor, unsuspecting, cute guy whom you just met, for some other time. It’s just flirting, so after the first hour, don’t ask, “What do you think about marriage?”
If a guy you approach asks for your number, either give him your genuine number, or politely decline or ask him for his.
Go out, have fun, and be yourself. If you are trying to be someone else, he’ll discover it soon enough. You will not enjoy any moment of it if you are playing somebody who you're not supposed to be. Stay focused and be proud of who you are.
For more than 30 years, Dr. Mantell has successfully been bringing upbeat, friendly and helpful psychological insights to individuals, families and businesses in San Diego as a clinical and corporate psychologist in private practice. He's been a regular on Good Morning America, KFMB-TV News 8, has appeared on Oprah, Larry King Live, the Today show, authored two best-selling books and speaks regularly for audiences throughout the country. He can be found on Facebook and Twitter.
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Reader Comments:
SIZZLING! This is by far the BEST thing I've ever read on this site! Dr. Mantell, you are going to be my date on Valentine's Day!!!! Or, at least I'm taking you with me in my mind as I make my way through the evening. This is mandatory reading for every girl in my dorm at SDSU!
...wonderful, very in-depth article. As an incorrigible flirt, I must say, you captured everything perfectly. :) It's about being comfortable in your own skin. It's about realizing that people 'see' what you 'present' to them. I've learned that a smile puts people at ease and portrays confidence. And, people are attracted to confidence.
When I walk into any social situation, I view it as a way to meet possible new friends. I will literally make an effort to move about the room and speak to every person there. If I don't get a response from someone that I hoped for, I don't take it personal. Never take what someone does or does not do as a personal affront.
I love your writing Dr. Mantell...and, I look forward to reading much more!