Could This Happen?

By Ron Donoho

Photo by Darren Thompson

WOULD YOU have predicted the Padres would win their division back-to-back years for the first time, and then let their long-term manager leave? Did it seem within the realm of possibility the Chargers would let experienced quarterback Drew Brees depart, and first-time pro starter Philip Rivers would excel as he has?

I wouldn't have made those calls.

Did you think you'd see the day The San Diego Union-Tribune would write an investigative piece on a Republican politician that ended in his disgrace and imprisonment?

Me neither.

Did it seem within the realm of possibility a city multibillions of dollars in debt would spent tens of millions for reports that told us all what we already knew?

I would have hoped not.

Sometimes the wild and wacky happens. Truth can be stranger than fiction. But in the spirit of "expect the unexpected" and "anything can happen," take a look at these predictions for all things San Diegan in 2007.

The Airport

In 2006, the San Diego City Council banned big-box Wal-Marts. When the new San Diego Airport Authority hears this news, they broker a deal. The much-debated new airport site is a Wal-Mart Supercenter in Mira Mesa. The steel-reinforced roof holds three runways and a commuter terminal. In the store below, after they clear security, soccer moms shop for pitted prunes, Brooks & Dunn CDs and rider mowers. (Note: Rider mower cannot be carried onto planes and must be checked.)

Mike Aguirre

The hard-charging dynamo who is our city attorney gets lost in the labyrinth of lawsuits heís filed and accidentally sues himself. He calls daily press conferences to denounce his own waste of taxpayer moneys. On the eve of his court date, Aguirre realizes what he's done. But he takes the case to trial nonetheless, argues it fully and wins. Upon sentencing, defendant Aguirre throws himself on the mercy of the court. Prosecutor Aguirre takes pity, his heart grows three sizes, and he recommends anger-management therapy and a group hug with the city council.

Mayor Jerry Sanders

The mayor is cast to play Santa Claus in Arnold Swarzeneggerís new politically tinged blockbuster Terminator 4: Christmas in California. Sanders' agent negotiates a million-dollar salary for the role. The mayor pledges to pump the entire amount into San Diego's general fund. Cameron Diaz is cast as Mrs. Claus.

Duncan Hunter

The uber-conservative, border fence-loving presidential candidate lapses into a coma after eating a tainted burrito at Las Quatro Milpas. While heís out, the GOP hawk has a Tony Soprano-esque dream. In it, he's a Mexican national with a heart of gold and a family of 12. Dream Duncan tunnels into the United States and finds work cleaning septic tanks while living in an East County canyon. Trying to hide during an INS sweep, he drowns in a vat of septic waste.

City Council

Billionaire financier Warren Buffet delivers a surprise offer to personally pay off the city's $1.4 billion underfunded pension system. The deal comes with one stipulation: All city councilmembers must wear dresses to work for an entire year. The council votes 7-1 to pass the resolution (Donna Frye is the lone dissenter). Councilman Jim Madaffer opts for a beige Vera Wang spaghetti-strap number for the first day of compliance. He's later accused of not listing the gifted dress on his disclosure reports.

County Board of Supervisors

Facing no term limits and ensured they never leave office, county supervisors begin long-range plans for their futures in office. Ron Roberts introduces legislation to have his seat in chamber replaced by a rocking chair. Greg Cox motions that Viagra be covered under the boardís health plan. And Bill Horn makes a surprise announcement: He cloned himself decades ago, and lean/mean Bill II will now attend board meetings.

Chargers

Talks of moving the team to Chula Vista and National City break down. No other city in the nation wants the financial burden of building a billion-dollar stadium. The Spanos family resorts to its last option, moving the team to Tijuana. Los Chargeros take the field for their first game. The crowd turns ugly when it realizes "football," not "futbol," is what they poured out their pesos for. When a Chargeros boleto guarantee further angers Tijuana denizens, the Spanoses make a sizable donation to Tijuana Mayor Jorge Hank Rhon's immigrant scholarship fund.

Padres

A Texas Hold-Em game breaks out at the annual Major League Baseball ownersí meeting. Padres owner John Moores gets his pocket aces busted by the gut-shot straight of New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner. The Boss wins the Padres. Steinbrenner infuses a hundred million dollars into the Padres payroll (but sadly, fires the Dancing Groundskeeper). The Padres and the Yankees face each other in the World Series, with the Padres winning in game seven when Barry Bonds homers in the ninth with Manny Ramirez on second base.

Aztecs Sports

Hall-of-Famer Tony Gwynn coaches the San Diego State University baseball team to a win in the College World Series. Chuck Long stands on the sidelines as his BCS-leading football team downs USC in the Sugar Bowl. Steve Fisherís basketball team cuts down the nets after being the last March Madness team standing. And a coed named Dorothy, with a pet poodle named Toto, wakes in a strange frat house on Montezuma Mesa and tells a tale of the absurd, athletics-tinged dream she just had.

Local Magazines

Riviera and 944 magazines are scandalized after an investigative report in the Reader reveals these chain publications secretly replaced their local editorial staff with animated robots from Japan. The robots get canned editorial and fashion layouts from their corporate offices. They simply replace the words "Los Angeles" and "Scottsdale" with "San Diego."

Real Estate Prices

The bubble that caused skyrocketing home and condo prices to cool off re-seals itself and expands again. This is because condo developers and homeowners-looking-to-sell form a secret night posse of special-forces troops. They systematically kidnap local real estate journalists who've predicted and whined in print about Bubble Armageddon. Once the stories about the bubble disappear, potential homebuyers regain confidence. Sellers stop offering sales incentives like free cars, boats and colonoscopies.

Morning TV

KUSI-TV's roaming character Rod Luck and Fox in the Morning's Ruben Galvan both attempt to cover the same Father Joe pancake breakfast. An on-air fight breaks out, with Luck and Galvan beating each other upside the head with their logoed microphones. All local networks air footage of the incident. After the feeds are picked up nationwide, Galvan is offered a seat next to Rosie O'Donnell on The View. Luck agrees to let his persona become an animated character on The Simpsons.

	50 People to Watch Party 2012 This year's event held at the Saltbox at the Hotel Palomar on January 20 honoring San Diego's best and brightest.

	47th annual Presentation Tea Photos of the 47th annual Presentation Tea at a private estate in Rancho Santa Fe

	Air Supply: Filling Lungs with Love Photos of an event to raise money for Sharlie Kaltenbach at a private estate in Olivenhain

	Super Stars... Let it Shine! Photos from an evening to raise money for the Boys & Girls Club of Carlsbad held at La Costa Resort