The Native

January is a time for economic, social, political and media pundits to make New Year’s predictions. From Alan Greenspan to Dilbert and Doonesbury, the prognosticators issue stentorian proclamations they expect us to take seriously. The Native, noting gaps in local reporting, conducted extensive research to forecast our region’s big headlines for 2003:

Port Buys Baja California: The San Diego Unified Port District, seeking to diversify its economic holdings, has purchased Baja California. The purchase price was $287 billion. The Port paid $100 billion cash and will finance the rest over five years at 6 percent interest. “We believe the investment will more than triple the return we are currently getting from Port tenants,” says Dawn Silken, spokeswoman. Contracts are being negotiated to retain current management of Baja California, and the transition to Port oversight should go smoothly, she says.

Bully’s Patrons Named to Historical Register: Four regulars of Bully’s East will be added to the national historical register to ensure a long-lost local culture isn’t forgotten. “Imagine, eating prime rib, drinking beer for eight hours every night and using the same lines to pick up women that were banned by the National Organization for Women in 1967,” says Hugh Mongeous, curator of the register. The names of the four will be revealed during a gala black-tie event at the Museum of Man in its new Troglodyte Wax Museum, built with a grant from the Slim Jims Foundation.

Del Mar Votes To Turn Old 101 into Tree Nursery: Bulldozers begin work February 1 on removing all asphalt and concrete on Old Highway 101 from Fourth to 15th Streets in Del Mar, following a 52-48 percent vote to turn the legendary thoroughfare into a tree nursery. A local spokesman says they aren’t sure how people are going to access their homes, shop or commute, but “we see a new local economic boom in jitneys and Clydesdales.” A companion issue to close the railroad tracks going through the seaside town, block traffic through its airspace and require passports to use its beaches was thrown out by the U.S. Supreme Court.

Public Transit Agencies, Airport Fight Gluteus to the Maximus: Inspired by Southwest Airlines, which has started making anyone who must use seatbelt extenders pay for two seats, a variety of local transportation agencies have installed hip-checking stations at all ticket counters. Similar to fitting luggage into a metal template to qualify for carry-on status, travelers must now squeeze their bottoms onto replicas of train, plane, bus, trolley, harbor excursion boat and pedicab seats. Amusement parks are next. Disneyland is currently testing the concept on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.

Traffic Control Photos Turn Up on eBay: If you have run a red light in San Diego in the past two years, your photograph could be for sale on eBay. The cameras have been clicking away since the city stopped giving tickets and switched to a contract with Internet entrepreneurs to access the database. “You would be amazed what people do in their cars,” says Al Golagnia, president of Intersexxxion Photos. “The bidding skyrockets when we add the car license to the display.” Photo revenues have been running about 120 times higher than the take from traffic tickets, according to a spokesperson for the city.

Peregrine Lays Off 120 Percent of Workforce: Buoyed by the successes of earlier cuts of 20, 40 and 80 percent, and the impact on its bottom line, Peregrine has announced plans to lay off 120 percent of its workforce. “The savings will be tremendous and contribute significantly to future shareholder value,” says a spokesman. Peregrine will divide the layoffs among existing staff, 100 percent, and former staff, 20 percent. They anticipate little difficulty in tracking down the extra 20 percent. “There is a large population of ex-Peregrine employees in the community,” the spokesman says, “and we expect the process to go smoothly.” All company manufacturing and operations will be outsourced to factories and business consultants in Elbonia.

Ocean Beach Declared Brain Dead: The aging beach community was discovered comatose by a busload of visitors from Dubuque, Iowa, which had stopped at the foot of Newport Avenue to watch the legendary hackie-sack demonstrations. “Everyone seemed to have taken seriously the sign at the entrance to the community: ‘Entering OB, Please Slow Down,’” said a spokesman for UCSD Medical Center. The city is expected to remove life-support systems shortly.

County Fair Bans Pet Beautification: Spurred by a barrage of complaints from losing contestants in various equine and bovine contests over the past two years, the agricultural district board has banned steer, hog and horse beautification measures (dyes, wigs, artificial hooves and so on)—except for natural shampooing and blow-drying. Residents of nearby Solana Beach have petitioned to have the same criteria applied to fairgoers and Del Martians.

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