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Get Loose from the Noose |
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By Ron Donoho
No, wait, here’s a better idea. Let’s just skip the pretense and wear knotted-rope nooses over our button-down shirts. Why? Because a necktie is really just an oppressive notion created by “The Man” to keep the working class in its place. Yep, and “Casual Fridays” are a proletariat response to a materialistic class structure bent on stifling free thought and wardrobe independence. You didn’t know?
The working world needs more heroes with open and unadorned collars. We need more CEOs like the Chargers’ Alex Spanos, the Padres’ John Moores and Gateway’s Ted Waitt. Then there’d be fewer John Q. Ninetofives, bustin’ their humps in soulless cubicles, forced by middle management to conform to an outdated dress code established by some fancy-pants French king who liked to play dress-up.
That’s right, the necktie dates back to 1660 and King Louis XIV. A team of Croatians, sponsored by the Austro-Hungarian Empire, had just defeated the Turks. Historians are unclear whether the victory was in a war or an especially brutal soccer game (with 617 reported deaths). The only evidence left is a headline, found on a deserted news Web site of the day, that reads “Turks Gobbled By Hungary Croats.”
Linked to that story is a slow-loading, low-res photo (hey, it was 1660), in which Louis XIV is seen admiring the silk handkerchiefs of the Croatians, who were in the habit of wrapping them around their necks. Yes, it gets cold when you’re pillaging at dawn near the banks of the Adriatic.
The King just had to have one of those fanciful Croat throat wraps. Louie Louie was especially fond of the look modeled by one Versace Shlomosovic, whose kerchief was adorned with blinking red lights that spelled “Mangez at Madame LaFarge’s.”
His majesty made the neckwear an insignia of royalty. He even created a regiment of Royal Cravattes. (The word “cravat,” besides sounding like the last name of the nosy neighbor on the sitcom Bewitched, is derived from the French word for “Croat.”)
Soon enough, ties found their way into the wardrobes of Englishmen. But even colorful neckwear couldn’t hide the fact that the English don’t believe in dental hygiene. Since they still couldn’t get dates with French models, many Brits dressed in dark black ties, fled to America and founded the Men’s Fashion Warehouse.
What historians can’t figure out is how ties made it to San Diego. Dude? Sure, you can use a tie to help block a fish taco from dripping on your shirt. But the napkin has been invented. Isn’t it cheaper to stick a piece of paper over your business blouse than a $60 swatch of cloth with “Armani” stitched on the back?
I believe no clear, creative thought has ever been conceived by someone wearing a tie. Your brain needs oxygen. A tie chokes off the brain’s supply, creating things like Chargers ticket sales guarantees, the daily newspaper’s editorial page and toilet–to–tap water reclamation programs.
We must do away with the tie once and for all. Let’s act now, before one more needless accident involving office shredders and these senseless glad rags. For some, this will be easy. Others may have trouble. I still remember that solemn summer court scene when Robert Talbot, Joseph Abboud and Salvatore Ferragamo clasped hands, stood before Congress and told the American people: “Ties are not addictive.” Yeah, right. And cigarette-company CEOs don’t wear ties.
Stop the addiction. End the oppression. And if all else fails, let’s at least abolish the wearing of ties bearing the likeness of Porky Pig, Dilbert or Oscar Wilde. I mean, c’mon.
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