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Lights! Camera! Non-Action! |
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By Ron Donoho
“Here’s my idea,” I begin. “A man—he’s an architect —moves to San Diego from the East Coast. He falls in love with the city. He meets a girl—she’s an idealistic young politician. Together, they devise a plan to make San Diego the greatest city on earth.”
“Hold it!” interrupts Benson. “I see Ashley Judd as the girl! But she’s not a politician! She’s an international supermodel with a past! Brad Pitt is the guy! And he’s a construction worker who takes his shirt off a lot!”
Benson always talks in exclamation points.
“Yeah, well, I don’t know,” I say. “But the male and female characters realize San Diego is this city with great potential, but the power structure won’t let anything get done. The city airport is a joke. The main library is hopelessly outdated...”
“We could blow up the airport! Right after Brad saves Ashley on the tarmac from a drug cartel! Yeah, I see it! Then they race to the library, but it’s on fire! The books are all on fire, like in Backdraft!”
I don’t like where this is going. “Listen, Benson, this
is a story about political intrigue. The female politician—who may or may not have been a supermodel—really wants to serve the public. But she’s hampered by the rest of the city council and a mayor who won’t ever make any decisions.”
“And why won’t the mayor make decisions?! Because of a hot affair with an intern! Maybe we can get that Felicity girl, Keri Russell, to play the intern! Or Sarah Jessica Parker! Somebody with big poofy hair!”
“Benson, for 12 years, the mayor of San Diego has been a woman.”
“A female mayor with a female intern!? I like it! We could get Madonna to play the mayor! But now we’re talking more of an art-house film! ... Naahh! Let’s get back to the movie!”
“Um, well, there’s this plan to reinvigorate downtown San Diego by building a new ballpark for Major League Baseball.”
“I smell Costner!”
“The ballpark is a great plan, but it’s hampered by lawsuits from Libertarians who don’t ever want to see progress or development.”
“Libertarians?! Were they those neutered freaks who overdosed on doped pudding, then died in that mansion with purple bandannas tied around their heads?!”
“Well, kind of.”
“Love it! We can get John Lithgow to be the head Libertarian! I see a Third Rock from the Sun–Heaven’s Gate tie-in!”
I’m sweating now, but manage, “So, uh, there’s this subplot involving Tijuana. You know, San Diego is just 20 minutes from the Mexico border. There’s this underlying political tension between the two cities that the lead characters want to eliminate. They see the future of San Diego directly linked to Tijuana.”
“So do I! I see Salma Hayak as the female mayor of Tijuana! Jennifer Lopez is her sister—a stripper with a heart of gold! And we’ll get Ricky Martin to do the soundtrack!”
Ricky Martin is just too much. “Look, Benson, I don’t know if we’ve really got a good idea here. I’m going back to the drawing board.”
“I think you’re right, kid! Set your next screenplay in L.A.! See ya!”
Before his cell phone clicks off I hear, “Let’s do lunch! Huh?! Whaddaya mean Keri Russell got a haircut?! ...” Then the line goes dead.
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