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By Ron Donoho
Intrigued by the former—and troubled by the latter —I’ve been monkeying around with my own experiment on the prosaic notion of random probability. During recent research phases, several rather interesting drafts have spewed forth from my PC. It’s been fascinating work, really. A word-for-word Starr Report? Close, but no cigar. Yet. The following is a representative example of words and phrases and clauses that keep collecting between the dots on my computer screen...
Thursday nights with Frasier instead of Seinfeld is like a Padres game with Reuben Rivera subbing for Tony Gwynn. There’s potential, but you miss the crafty veteran ... It’s great Highway 94 was renamed to honor the Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. ... But Jack Murphy Stadium became Qualcomm. Centre City East became the Historic Warehouse District, then East Village. The planned new Padres ballpark is in East Village. But the area is also referred to as the South Embarcadero. Some wanted to change street signs pointing toward the Embarcadero to “Waterfront.” Let’s switch the humdrum San Diego city name to something with more cachet. Like “La Jolla.” We’ll just start calling La Jolla “Mucho Dinero” ... Did you know there’s a line of women’s makeup called True Illusion?
If the U-T’s business section were written in Farsi, how long before anyone would notice? ... San Diego Reader cover epics make Moby Dick seem like light reading ... Who needs a U-T rock concert review three days after the fact? ... When did the Daily Transcript go out of business? ... San Diego Union-Tribune sports columnist Nick “Sez Me” Canepa will eventually string three complete sentences together ... The North County Times will one day invade and conquer all of San Diego ... Oops, found a copy of the Transcript ... Capicola is the most underappreciated ham in the deli case.
Before brightening weekend weather reports for KNSD-TV, Lesley Milne starred in an R-rated horror flick called Vampire at Midnight ... If Channel 10 “Troubleshooter” Marti Emerald and NBC 7/39 “Consumer Investigative Reporter” Beth Tornatore got in a fight, the Troubleshooter would win by a knockout ... Do friends of Channel 8’s “Consumer Bob” Hansen call him: Consumer? Bobby? Connie B.? ... I don’t believe NBC 7/39 meteorologist Joe Lizura has ever had a bad hair day ... Does anybody care about Doppler 7000 technology, microclimates or daily mold counts?
Whoever came up with the idea of appointments at the DMV deserves a big wet kiss on the lips ... Congressman Randy “Duke” Cunningham needs to examine the Freudian implications of his giving the finger to an audience of prostate cancer sufferers ... Advice to San Diego County’s Board of Supervisors: Have the bonus-wielding duo of CAO Larry Prior and Health & Human Services director Robert Ross spend a night at Edgemoor Geriatric Hospital. They’ll get excellent care—but just one bed ... When there is nothing going on, the San Diego City Council does a pretty damn good job! ... I laugh every time Craig Kilborn yells: “Linda Tripp is a man, baby!”
Don’t even argue: The Padres’ Greg Vaughn and the lead singer for Hootie & the Blowfish are the same person ... How many more national titles do local college women’s teams have to win before the local newspaper deigns to give them front-page coverage? ... There are no classier members of Major League Baseball than the two on pace to get their 3,000th career hits next year: Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken Jr. ... The Dallas Cowboys’ Deion Sanders has found religion. His Golden Rule: Show up others on-field as you would have them show you up ... Chargers players and coaches don’t seem to like talking to sportswriters. A suggestion for the scribes: Try Altoids. They worked wonders for Monica Lewinsky ... Not that it matters anymore, but doesn’t Kevin Gilbride look a lot like Bill Clinton? ... Steve Martin’s best movie ever was The Jerk.
Don’t you feel sorry for the Coronado denizens who were upset about the demise of tennis courts at the Hotel Del? Egads, the public courts are blocks away—and there’s no steam room ... At the Field of Dreams that surely exists in heaven, there are box seats reserved for blessed benefactress Joan Kroc ... Yes, San Diego needs a new downtown library. But the library’s primary patrons—God love ’em, the homeless—don’t need one with a retractable dome, or cappuccino makers at every Internet terminal.
Nope. Back to the drawing board. This draft is nowhere near salacious enough to be a Starr.
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