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Are you ready to refuse to be miserable? Are you prepared to make yourself happy at every chance you can? First you need to stop MUSTerbating
Are you ready to refuse to be miserable? Are you prepared to make yourself happy at every chance you can? While it may be silly and unreasonable to think that a brief article here can lead your feelings of happiness to be stronger, more frequent and last longer, I believe it isn’t that silly or unreasonable if you can stop doing one simple thing: MUSTERbating.
That’s’ right, MUSTERbating. Here’s the background you need to stop this harmful habit. I will quickly add that MUSTerbating is not the same as MASTurbating — no, not even close. One is harmful, the other, at least according the 99 percent of people who do it, is quite pleasurable (the other 1 percent who say they don’t are very likely not quite honest).
Background points:
1. If you change your thoughts you will change your feelings regardless of how unfairly and unpleasurably the world may be treating you — it’s not WHAT happens but rather what you THINK about what happens that creates upset feelings. Remember that we don’t GET upset, we upset ourselves by holding inflexible beliefs.
2. Demands and exaggerations are significant obstacles to happiness and well-being
3. Deep, persistent happiness requires non-wishy-washy practice, practice, and more practice, work, work and more work. It’s the only way to get better.
MUSTerbating sounds like this:
1. I MUST do well or else I’m no good (leading to conditional self-acceptance)
2. Others MUST treat me the way I demand they do (leading to anger toward others when they don’t treat you as you demand)
3. I MUST get what I demand from the world and not what I don’t demand (leading to general unhappiness toward the world around you)
Albert Ellis, the founder and creator of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (later described as Cognitive Therapy) and my teacher, mentor and guide, said, “Life is not necessarily pleasant, but it is never awful and it is nearly always bearable.” Unlike MUSTerbating, this thought can certainly increase happiness. I vividly recall the first time I heard Dr. Ellis use the term “MUSTerbate” — it was to a nun in a Friday-night group workshop. She almost passed out.
MUSTerbaters erroneously and irrationally, and I might add, illogically, believe that if they aren’t perfect; if others don’t treat them the way they demand; and if the world is not fair (as they unreasonably demand), then they think it is “terrible, awful, horrible and catastrophic” and further add, “I can’t stand it.” No matter the origin of our upsetting ourselves, we maintain our upset by clinging to irrational beliefs.
Want to stop MUSTerbating? Ask yourself for the proof or evidence behind your exaggerated absolutistic demand. Do you have any shred of evidence that you can’t stand your current situation? Do you have even the slightest proof that your circumstance is “awful” not merely “unfortunate?” Do you have one iota of data that your world is actually ending? Do you have any degree of certainty that what IS happening MUST not be happening? Where is it written that you MUST have what you want?
Said in another way,
1. Do you really believe that nothing could be worse?
2. Do you really believe that the situation you are facing is worse than 100 percent bad?
3. Do you really believe that no good whatsoever can possibly come from this (just) bad situation?
Try this:
1. “I want to succeed, but there truly is no reason I MUST succeed.”
2. “I want my boss to treat me well, but there is no reason he/she MUST, and I can stand it if he/she doesn’t”
3. “I’d like to get the promotion, but it’s not really horrible if I don’t; it’s simply inconvenient to me and my family.”
In other words, life doesn’t always work out the way you want it to, and there is no reason it must, though you’d like it to, prefer it to, and want it to. But there’s no reason it must.
To summarize, situations that we don’t like (and don’t HAVE to like) exist, but we can choose to either be unmiserable or unhappy. If we are ready to be unmiserable, we would be wise to a) avoid insisting the circumstance that does exist MUST not exist and b) avoid “awfulizing” “horriblizing” “terribilizing” and “castastrophizing” about it. Then, taking purposeful enjoyable physical activity increases the likelihood of creating enduring happiness.
For more than 30 years, Dr. Mantell has successfully been bringing upbeat, friendly and helpful psychological insights to individuals, families and businesses in San Diego as a clinical and corporate psychologist in private practice. He's been a regular on Good Morning America, KFMB-TV News 8, has appeared on Oprah, Larry King Live, the Today show, authored two best-selling books and speaks regularly for audiences throughout the country. Dr. Mantell is a member of the Sports Medicine team at The Sporting Club at the Aventine in La Jolla, where he writes and educates others in the psychology of fitness. He can be found on Facebook and Twitter.
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Reader Comments:
You hit it out of the park Dr. M. Another brilliant set of rules to try to live by. A real "stroke" of genious.