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By Ron Donoho
To those ends, I will share a few things about me—but don’t expect a touchy-feely, Learning Annex–ish spill fest. And to make it more interesting, I’ve added incentive: a contest.
Here’s how to play “If You’re Like Me…” Add up the number of statements listed below that you agree with. If your score is: 0-10, forget it; 11-15, enter, but don’t expect to win; 16-20, enter by e-mailing me (rdonoho@sandiegomag.com) an “If You’re Like Me...” of your own. Include your name, address, phone number, contest score and your best “If You’re Like Me…” one-liner. The most-like-me entrant wins a $50 gift certificate to Fio’s Cucina Italiana.
Away we go. If you’re like me, you:
1. Want to meet Bill Murray so bad you’d cut the lawn at his new North County home for free.
2. Have always wanted to open a movie house called A Theater Near You.
3. Decided against opening a hotel called Your Place, and another one across the street called Or Mine.
4. Are thinking about crashing on the floor at the MTV beach house for a couple of days; willing to pay by stocking their fridge with a couple cases of Tequiza.
5. Voted for the new Padres ballpark; never voted for Bruce Henderson.
6. Saw Celebration of the Lizard at the Lyceum. Spent first act picturing Doors frontman Jim Morrison rolling over in his grave while the Taco Bell Chihuahua chants, “Here, lizard, lizard...”
7. Would have run for San Diego City Council if you knew it meant getting in on the ground floor of dot-com IPOs.
8. Are considering initiating a class-action lawsuit against San Diego Chargers quarterback Ryan Leaf for alienation of affections.
9. Voted for Indian gaming; feel Barona should reimburse you $80 for a recent run of bad luck at their blackjack tables.
10. Just bought a two-bedroom home in San Diego. Realized the same price covers a Florida Gulf Coast manse with Phillips thin-screen televisions in every room (even the bowling alley in the maid’s chambers), a Boston whaler with his-and-hers wet bars and enough left over to replace your HMO with a PPO.
11. Wonder why it makes sense to build, instead of new shelters, a $130 million central library for homeless to spend the day in.
12. Listen to music on the radio; are only vaguely familiar with the Jeff, Shelly & Hacksaw morning show.
13. Love Whoppers (maybe more than Elvis did) but once celebrated two birthdays waiting in line at Burger King.
14. Got picked to participate in the Survivor TV show. Balked when producers nixed bringing two bags of Oreo Double Stuff.
15. Hope Michael Richards’ (Seinfeld’s Kramer) upcoming show will once again make it worthwhile to own and operate a television.
16. Think Sesame Street’s Grover should get his own show, too.
17. Don’t understand why the show Pensacola is set in Florida but shot in San Diego, while Cover Me is set in San Diego but shot in Canada.
18. Think the Gore daughters got Tipper’s looks. Can’t think of anything else nice to say about the veep.
19. Think Britney Spears could be a Gore girl, but wouldn’t ask Regis to make her a phone-a-friend lifeline, if you know what I mean.
20. Would vote for George W. Bush for president if it weren’t for that “666” carved into the back of his head. Wouldn’t make him a lifeline, either.
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